Things Not To Say To Someone Struggling With Infertility (Or Anyone For That Matter....)

 Good morning and Happy Monday!

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Ours was super low key but it was really nice considering everything happening this year. While we missed many family members we are glad that everyone is staying safe. We have quite a few people on one side of our family who were exposed to covid at work and have tested positive. Luckily everyone is okay so far, just feeling flu-like.

Today I want to share a list of things you should NOT say to someone struggling with infertility. Or anyone for that matter. But especially not someone who struggles with infertility. 

When you want a baby and are struggling to get pregnant it insanely difficult. Through my own experience I feel very weepy and sometimes very "rage-y" and it is hard for me to listen to a lot of comments people make. Although people don't truly know what it's like to deal with infertility until you have actually experienced it yourself, everyone can certainly watch what they say and be kinder. 

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY

(OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER....)

• Why aren't you pregnant yet? What's wrong with you? 

Believe it or not this one is from personal experience. NEVER, NEVER ask someone why they             aren't pregnant yet. Just because you've been married for an entire year does not give anyone the right to ask why you aren't pregnant yet. You can take as much time as you want. However if you have been trying this comment cuts you to your very core. Why aren't you pregnant yet, well you don't know what the reason is because you've been trying! This comment cut me deep and I know that it must feel the same for others. Also, it's never okay to ask a woman what is wrong with her. Specifically in this case if she has issues with her period. Sorry, but that is not something I want to discuss with a random family member unless they happen to also be my gynecologist.

• Be thankful you don't have to deal with X, Y, Z....

Guess what? I would gladly deal with the mountains of laundry you have for your two children. The screaming fits? I'm sure they seem like the end of the world in your eyes, but I envy them. Do not complain about your kid to me, I would give anything to have my own! I know so many people who only complain about their children and it absolutely kills me. I get that you have been at home with your kids during the quarantine. I get that it's a lot to be with your children all day everyday, but while I'm struggling to get pregnant it's the last thing I want to hear. 

• You should adopt/ I will carry a kid for you

Sometimes this is said as a meaningful generous comment but it is not heard this way. Maybe we will adopt someday, but maybe not. Adopting is expensive. Also, I don't want someone else to carry my baby for me. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to carry my own baby. Part of having a baby is getting to carry them and experiencing pregnancy and having that taken away is not my first choice. If this is the route that you choose to go I have absolutely no judgement but as of right now that is not my path and when people suggest these options to me they are essentially suggesting I should give up hope on getting pregnant which is frustrating.

• You have plenty of time/ You're young

Well I'm 32 currently and don't exactly feel young anymore. Also, the last thing you want to hear when you want to be pregnant now is "you have plenty of time". There are many reasons why you want to have a baby at a certain point of your life and you feel that is the best time to have one and it is honestly not anyone else's business. Do not tell people they have plenty of time because you truly have no idea what someones timeline looks like/when they will go through menopause/etc... Unless of course you are their gynecologist then feel free to chime in.

• It will happen when it happens/ God's timing

I am allowed to want children when I want them. Fate, God, whatever you believe in should not control me being able to have a baby. Other people get pregnant on the first month they try, it is okay to be upset when you haven't been able to get pregnant after months of trying. I emailed one of the bloggers I have regularly read for years who once struggled with infertility and now has children. She basically told me I needed to trust God when I asked for advice. As someone who is not super religious and doesn't participate in organized religion, this wasn't helpful or needed advice. I needed someone to tell me that this sucks and that they were hoping it would work out for me, not that I needed to trust in Gods timing.

• What is the reason? Who is at fault?

There is something called unexplained infertility and it's no ones fault. I know I've talked about this before but my husband and I went through quite a bit of testing. My husband came back clear and so did I. This means there is no real reason we haven't been able to get pregnant, it just hasn't happened yet! I've had people push and say that there must be a reason behind our infertility. 15%-30% of couples experience unexplained infertility after they get their fertility workup, so truly there is no known reason. It is painful to have someone continue to press that something must be wrong. 

• Don't be upset/ sad/ angry

Well this one is just plain stupid. Don't tell me not to be upset because I am allowed to feel however it is I feel. If I find out someone is pregnant and want to be sad I can be sad! It's not that I don't feel happy for whoever is pregnant but I am allowed to mourn the fact that it is not as easy for me as it is for everyone else. I am allowed to be angry and weepy when I get my period. I am allowed to be upset when someone says something that hurts my feelings in regards to my infertility. Telling someone to not feel what they are feeling is not okay. I have had many people tell me things along these lines and it is unbelievably frustrating. 

• At least you haven't experienced X, Y, Z

Okay, I get it. You had a terrible pregnancy, you experienced a miscarriage... all of these things are terrible. I feel for you, I do. I know a lot of people who have experienced miscarriage, I get how terrible it can be but that doesn't mean that infertility is any less terrible. I'm not diminishing your pain and your struggle so do not diminish mine. It must be terrible to lose a baby that you are growing inside you, that pain must be indescribable. What's also terrible is every month for 18 months taking pregnancy tests and never seeing a second line. For 18 months waking up to your period and wondering what is wrong with you. Crying to your husband that you don't understand why your body just can't get pregnant. Wondering if you will ever be able to have a baby and if any of the treatments you will do will work. Wishing, hoping and wanting every month for 18 months is exhausting. So before you start comparing your pain and struggles to mine, stop. I won't compare my pain to yours if you don't compare your pain to mine.

I hope this post didn't come across as insensitive and rude. As I have mentioned before we finished our fertility workups. I have started clomid and one of the symptoms is feeling rage-y so I have decided to channel my rage into this lovely list that you just finished reading. If you made it to the end...thank you.

HSG Procedure

 Since I've been documenting my fertility journey here on the blog, I thought I would share my HSG procedure that I had done yesterday in case anyone else is in the same boat. I know that I read everything I could find on HSG and also watched a ton of YouTube videos that scared me to death before the procedure but you may want another opinion on the procedure....so here is my experience.

Here's a picture of sleepy Sophie to make the mood a little lighter. 

Anyways....my test was set for 11:30 yesterday morning and I was told to arrive at 11:15 to check in. My test was at the local hospital in their diagnostic imaging department so I checked in with the front desk, received my sticker for not having Covid-19 symptoms and then directed to diagnostic imaging. 

I was checked in, given my hospital bracelet and was directed to a different waiting room. Within 10 minutes I was called back to an imaging room that reminded me of a surgical room that you see on tv shows. I don't think I've ever been in a room like that in my lifetime since I haven't had any surgeries or any testing like this before. There were two medical assistants who directed me to put on two gowns, one facing forward and one facing backwards (seriously how they not have come up with a better solution yet?) and once I came out of the bathroom it was only moments before the doctor came in to get started.

The doctor I had was very nice and explained the entire procedure, showing me the tools that would be used during it. He also showed me the X-ray machine and explained that they would need to call an x-ray technician in because he was not the machine guy, he was the down-low guy which made me laugh.

Once everything was ready I was told to hop up onto the table. Now, at first it was not much different than going to the gynecologist for a yearly appointment. The speculum was used which was normal, and then he did three swabs. One of the medical assistants came over to hold my hand and I told her I was fine because none of that hurt in the least, it just felt like pressure.

The next part was extremely painful for me. He inserted a tube inside me and it felt like he was blowing up a balloon inside me. It was the worst cramping pain I have ever felt in my life. I have never had period pain as bad as this hurt and it was uncomfortable while we waited for the x-ray technician to come to the room. 

They moved the X-ray machine over my stomach and the gynecologist inserted the blue dye inside the tube. Again, this felt like a balloon exploding inside me. I squeezed that poor medical assistants hand as I tried to breathe through the pain. It was over fairly quickly and I was then told to sit up on the table so the doctor could show me the X-ray pictures.

Now, let me just say that the Fallopian tubes look nothing like you see in diagrams. They are super thin! He showed me how the blue dye moved through the tubes and pooled which means everything is normal. 

I also received word that some of my levels in my blood work were slightly elevated. I have to return for blood work next month.

I spent the entire afternoon curled up on the couch with pain that only subsided if I was completely still. I struggled getting up to go to the bathroom and didn't want to much of anything. Luckily I can currently work from home in a reclined position! 

I am feeling much better and the pain eventually did subside but yesterday was really rough.

Now, if you are going to have a HSG done keep in mind that it seems like the pain varies person to person. I read accounts from women who said they only felt uncomfortable and I've also read stories where women said it hurt more than going through labor. I certainly don't know if that's true, but I do think that it was the most painful experience I have had thus far. I don't say that to scare you, because please don't be as scared as I was going in. The good news is that it's over quickly and though the pain lingers it seems to only last a day.

So, that's where we are in our infertility journey. Hopefully I will have more news soon!

Fertility Workup

 Hi everyone,

Sorry for the delayed post this week but I knew going in that I had an appointment on Thursday night that I wanted to recap for you guys. 

Yesterday I had the first of what may be a long string of appointments and procedures. I met with my gynecologist and we discussed infertility and the long road ahead. In case you are going through the same thing as me I wanted to share what I learned in this appointment.

First of all we've been trying for 15 months now and my doctor will not see you if you are under 35 and have been trying for less than a year. I must've been asked that question by everyone there. The Medical Assistant came out to get me and bring me to the examining room. She asked me a few questions (including how long we've been trying and if I've ever been pregnant or if my husband has ever had kids-no and no) and took my blood pressure. Then my doctor came in.

She is the sweetest woman and was very positive. She explained to me that in the next month they will do a sperm analysis for my husband, blood work for me, and an HSG procedure for me. Next week when I get my period I will go in for blood work on day 3. Then on one day between 5 and 12 of my cycle I will go in for the HSG. At some point in there Tim will drop off his sperm for analysis. (I'm literally giggling as a write this because it all just seems to weird but this is life)

Once all of that is complete we will hear back from my doctor and know if everything is normal or not. After that if I wish to stay with my office I can get a dose of clomid for three months. If that doesn't work then I will be transferred to a hospital on the other end of the state to meet with those doctors to try IUI with clomid. If that doesn't work then we move onto IVF.

My doctor was very sweet and said we can do as much or as little as I want. We will be definitely be completing the sperm analysis, blood work and HSG this month and see if everything is normal. Then we will see how far we end up going. 

Again, I want to thank everyone that reached out with sweet comments and emails after my infertility post. Hopefully we receive good news- I will definitely keep you updated throughout the process.