Vanishing Twin

 Todays post is extremely difficult for me to write. It might be the most difficult thing I've ever written in my life. 

When I shared our announcement I briefly mentioned that we had been pregnant with twins and unfortunately lost our sweet baby B. Today I want to go into more detail about this pregnancy and the experience we've had. I have never felt as alone as I have while going through this. If I can write this and help someone else going through this someday and help them feel less alone, that's what I'll do.

The week of Christmas we found out we were pregnant. We had been struggling with infertility for 18 months at that point.  We were skeptical at every positive pregnancy test. I remember telling Tim I was pretty sure I was pregnant and him telling me he wasn't going to get too excited just in case it wasn't true.

Once I had taken what seemed like a million pregnancy tests and we were sure that I actually had managed to get pregnant we started to get excited and I scheduled my first appointments.

I should also mention that the month we got pregnant was my first month on Clomid. We knew that a possibility with Clomid was the increased likelihood of twins. My papa is a fraternal twin and I knew that in my family it was possible that I could end up with twins naturally. I have always been obsessed with the idea of being a twin (I blame the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen era) and having twins seemed like a dream to me. Yes, a lot more work than just having one baby...but it was something I hoped for. 

Due to COVID, Tim wasn't allowed into my ultrasound. As I laid on the table I wished for a healthy baby, just one healthy baby but two would be great too. The ultrasound tech giggled and I knew in that instant that I had my twins. I blurted out "Is it twins?!!?" and she confirmed that yes there were two babies in there, each in their own sac. Baby A was measuring four days ahead of Baby B, but she assured me that was completely normal. She printed out the ultrasound pictures and I literally skipped out to the car where Tim was waiting for me.

Afterwards, Tim said he could just see that I was happy and he thought it was just the relief that we had one healthy baby. When I handed him the pictures I said "Please don't kill me" and laughed. I explained that it was twins and all my obsessing much have worked and I manifested twins. I would often in the following weeks refer to it as manifested and now I regret that. I think Tim was in a slight state of shock but he quickly became excited as well. Two babies!

The date of our first ultrasound was January 22nd. Being 8 weeks pregnant, not everyone knew about the pregnancy but we had told our parents, siblings, and best friends that we were expecting. Of course everyone was anxious to hear about our ultrasound so we told everyone that we were expecting twins. Everyone was thrilled and we expressed our nervousness for having not just one but two babies. We talked about it at length. We discussed needing a bigger house, adding an addition, the extra cost-- basically all monetary concerns but we were so excited to welcome these two little babies into our family.

Then I went to my 10 week appointment.

On Thursday February 4th I had my 10 week appointment with my OBGYN. She used the in-room doppler and could only find one heartbeat. I had the option of sitting around in the waiting room hoping for an ultrasound appointment to open up or going home and waiting for a call. I chose to go home and unfortunately was not given an appointment until the following Monday February 8th. 

Those four days were absolute hell. I just held my stomach and cried. I prayed that both babies would be healthy. I begged and pleaded saying I would give anything to have two healthy babies. No amount of hoping, praying or wishing would matter.

On Monday I laid on the table as not one, but two ultrasound techs looked at Baby B and couldn't find a heartbeat. Baby A was healthy and developing normally but Baby B had stopped growing a few days after my first ultrasound. If you've ever had a miscarriage I imagine this feeling is similar. You wonder how you didn't know that something was wrong. You feel like a failure as a mother for having no idea that your baby wasn't alive anymore. I tried to hold it in but I just laid on the table and sobbed and sobbed. I have never felt more pain in my life. 

Tim was thankfully outside in the car (they again wouldn't let him inside due to COVID). He knew the second he saw me and I just collapsed into him in tears. I couldn't have asked for a more amazing husband, best friend and partner in life. He just held me while I cried. 

The aftermath wasn't fun. I had to tell everyone we had told about the twins two weeks prior that now we were only having one baby. I cried as I told Baby A that I was so sorry I couldn't give them their sibling and I cried as I told Baby B how much I wished they had been okay. I blamed myself, I think everyone does. Most people were very supportive and just told me they were there for me whatever I needed. There were a few who made the "wrong" comments and said it was for the best and there must've been something wrong with Baby B. If you EVER know someone who is miscarrying a baby please never never never make a comment like this. It does not help, it does not make the mother feel better, it only makes you seem like an asshole.

Now, I've never had a singleton miscarriage so I can't say for sure but I do believe they feel different. From everything I've read from people who have had both a singleton miscarriage and vanishing twin the difference is that when the miscarriage happens, the pregnancy is over. You are able to move on, getting pregnant again, or not. You can mourn the baby you lost. I was expected to feel thankful for the one baby I still had inside me and almost forget about Baby B. The pregnancy never ends, their is no closure and that has been the hardest part so far. Not one day goes by that I don't think about Baby B and how I wish they were still growing. 

I was angry and sad and devastated. It was hard for me to celebrate being pregnant for awhile. It was hard for me to make the announcement. It was hard to hear congratulations from people when I didn't want to be congratulated. It seemed like people were forgetting that it was supposed to be two babies, not just one. I was SO angry. I listened to a lot of Taylor Swift. this is me trying and evermore were two songs I listened to on repeat. 

I still feel devastated about our loss. I often feel guilty and depressed. This pregnancy has been hard. 

If you don't know what happens with vanishing twin it's not like a traditional miscarriage, at least not in the first trimester. The second baby ends up getting reabsorbed back into the mom or other baby. Baby B will always be a part of me and Ellie. We will always carry her with us. 

Now we don't know for sure, but since the blood work determined that Ellie was a girl there is a good chance that Baby B was a girl as well. Tim and I both feel that she was a girl. We had names picked out if we had twin girls, Ellie and Olivia. We chose to name our surviving baby Ellie Olivia, but also know that Olivia would have been the name of her sister. We did this to honor her and also acknowledge that she is a part of our family and always will be.

Going forward I'm not sure what will happen. Will I feel like I'm missing a baby at the time of birth? Will I always feel that there is a presence missing in our family? Will I look at other twins and burst into tears because my girl should have a twin beside her as well? These are all things I read other vanishing twin moms experienced. I can't predict the future but I am an extremely sensitive person and know that this will always affect me. 

I have heard from other women who have experienced miscarriages saying that it will all make sense later when I have future kids I will see my family is the way it is supposed to be. I don't think this really works for vanishing twin though because she always would've been able to be here. It's not as if I lost a baby and then got pregnant with another one. They were able to coexist. Everyones experience is different, I'm not saying that one is more or less valid than the other, just that it's comparing apples to oranges. I don't think you can compare miscarriage to vanishing twin, they are just too different. 

If anyone out there is going through vanishing twin, please feel free to reach out to me. My email is on the right side of my homepage and you can also message me on Instagram @balancingonmytoes. I have felt horribly alone throughout this entire process and it's hard to talk to people who haven't experienced it or people who have gone through something different and feel it's the same. It's just not. Living with a pregnancy that causes you joy and pain simultaneously is extremely exhausting, just know you are not alone.

Again, please reach out if you need me and I hope this helps someone, somewhere. 

Additional Resources on Vanishing Twin

• https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-baby/strange-but-true-vanishing-twins_10364948
• https://www.parents.com/pregnancy/complications/miscarriage/vanishing-twin-syndrome-is-more-common-than-you-thought/
• https://www.yahoo.com/now/half-pregnancy-experience-vanishing-twin-105606611.html
• https://www.scarymommy.com/vanishing-twin-miscarriage/
• https://fargo.momcollective.com/why-isnt-a-healthy-baby-enough-coping-with-vanishing-twin-syndrome/
• https://www.today.com/parents/when-joy-lives-alongside-grief-losing-twin-during-pregnancy-t13946

Many of these articles helped me when I first found out. There weren't many people who wrote about this experience but knowing that there were a few people who felt the same things as me gave me hope and I hope it does the same for you.

Baby Freebie Items! (Get all these items for free!!)

Hey everyone! Much faster turnaround this time huh?! I promised I'd be back sooner and here I am. Today I want to share all about the FREE baby items you can get. Seriously, free items! 

If you know me or have been reading here for awhile you know that I love to get items for free and love free samples. Once I got pregnant I of course signed up for all the free items I could find online. Things have been trickling in and I want to share all the free products I've gathered so far. 

Huggies Bag

Just for signing up with Huggies they sent me a care package for baby! One pack of size 1 diapers, a onesie and a pack of wipes. Since I know diapers and wipes are expensive I will take any free ones I can. I know lots of mothers have opinions on different kinds of diapers but honestly I want to have a variety so I can test them out. I can always save extras for future babies or share them with friends if they don't work for us.

 

I also won't say no to free clothing. I know baby girl is going to go through a ton of clothes so having a onesie from Huggies might not be the cutest outfit ever but when everything else is covered in baby spit-up and poop I will gladly put her in a free onesie! 

Walmart Baby Registry Box

For just creating a Walmart Baby Registry (you can keep it private) you get a whole box of fun items!

The items we received are all picture above but include a pacifier, bottle, diapers, baby shampoo and wash, dry shampoo, baby food, and a ziplock container. 

Unfortunately these three items would expire by the time the baby was actually here so I did go ahead and donate them. 

Noobie Box

For the Noobie box you do need to pay a small shipping fee but I was so excited to get all the samples I had to do it! I thought the Noobie box had a few good things in there but I'm not sure it was entirely worth the shipping. I have heard great things about Water Wipes though so I think it's great to get a sample of them!

Baby List

The Baby List haul was by far the best of all the ones I received! There were four bottles, a few wipe packets, a couple of diaper samples and a bunch of other items. I would highly recommend the Baby List sample pack, even if they do charge for it.

Amazon Baby Registry

I thought I would be more impressed with Amazon's freebie bag. To be totally transparent you do need to create a registry and have a certain amount of items purchased off of it (I think it was $10) but since you are putting items on there you want purchased anyways it's not a huge deal. I did like the cute onesie and how it was gender-neutral and it will look really cute on baby girl!

There's also a freebie bag you can pick up at Buy Buy Baby but unfortunately the closest one to us is over an hour away so I'm not sure if we will ever make it up there to pick it up. 

I would also recommend to sign up for any diaper and formula programs you can find. They will send out free items or coupons which is great!

I should also mention that we did receive a bunch of coupons and will be using those going forward to purchase any items we might need.

That's all I picked up for baby freebies so far! If I manage to find any others I will definitely let you know. I also am thinking about sharing some more baby content- like a nursery update and what items we've picked up so far. If that's something you would be interested in definitely let me know!

First Trimester of Pregnancy

 Woohoo! I am officially out of the first trimester and have all my energy back and feel great!

Totally kidding.

I am out of the first trimester and have the tiniest bit of energy back, but I'm still exhausted 98% of the time. Still going to be around 8 every night and spending most of my days lounging around. I am so grateful to be working from home during this time. 

Today I want to share a bit about my first trimester of pregnancy because this has been totally different than I imagined as someone struggling with infertility. Let's start from the beginning...

December 21st- December 24th...

On December 21st I took a pregnancy test because I had been taking Clomid during December and thought we had a good chance of getting pregnant. I only had the cheapo Amazon tests in the house so I took one and had the tiniest, faintest line. When Tim woke up I told him that I thought I might be pregnant, but I wasn't entirely sure. He told me he wasn't going to get too excited yet because the line was so faint. Over the next few days I bought some more substantial tests and the lines kept getting darker and darker.

I finally believed it when I took a Clearblue test and it clearly read "pregnant"

My moral support while waiting for the tests to complete.

I received a call from my doctors office letting me know that my levels looked great as far as clomid was concerned and I excitedly told them I was pregnant. They told me they would call back to schedule all my appointments.

We can't keep a secret...so on Christmas Eve told my parents when we stopped by their house in the afternoon. We told a few of Tim's family members on Christmas Eve and then managed to get his parents together to tell them on Christmas Day. We also told a few friends on Christmas Day as well.

In January I got to go for my first ultrasound!

Due to Covid I had to go in by myself and Tim wasn't able to come inside with me. I was thrilled when the ultrasound tech told me we were having twins. I skipped out to the car and told a completely shocked Tim. 

We were over the moon about having two babies. For two weeks I planned and hoped for my two babies to stay healthy. I wanted them both.

We unfortunately lost baby B which was very traumatic. I went in for my first OBGYN appointment and my doctor tried the in-room doppler to find the heartbeats and couldn't find baby B. This was on a Thursday and I unfortunately had to wait until the following Monday to get another ultrasound. The ultrasound tech tried abdominally and couldn't find a heartbeat. She then tried transvaginally and still couldn't find a heartbeat. Then a second tech came in to confirm. That appointment was so emotionally trying. I am tearing up thinking about it now. I broke down sobbing, Luckily Tim was waiting in the car for me but I still wish he had been in the appointment with me. 

I have more to say about vanishing twin but I will save that for a separate post. It is so difficult to grieve one baby and still be happy for the healthy one. 

At that appointment they did take pictures of baby A for me and did offer to take a picture of baby B but I declined that. I know that baby B had stopped growing around 7 weeks and didn't want to see the difference between my babies forever.

A couple of weeks ago I had another ultrasound for nuchal translucency. It was difficult to go back into the ultrasound suite (luckily it was a different room than my previous one), but watching baby A bounce around inside of me, wave at me, and kick their little legs gave me so much hope. I couldn't believe how much my little baby was moving and although I wish with all my heart I could've seen two little babies in there, my heart was happy to see my healthy little nugget.

I am officially 13 weeks pregnant as of last Friday and am due September 3rd. 

So besides the technical stuff, what has this pregnancy been like?

Symptoms: 

• Severe exhaustion. Literally I'm in bed by 8PM every night and am pretty much a sloth during the day. 
• Nausea. I haven't thrown up, but I think that's only from sheer force of will. Luckily the nausea has eased a bit, but at points I was feeling nauseous all day long.
• Aversions to meat and many other foods. I honestly couldn't stand the smell, sight or taste of meat- any meat. I was able to eat steak tips on Saturday night which was an improvement. I also didn't want any vegetables but I was able to eat a salad on Saturday as well, so things are definitely looking up.
• Beige foods. All things beige- mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, cereal, muffins, teddy grahams, ritz crackers, pretzels. Everything needed to be starchy and very plain in order for me to eat it. While I love all those types of foods it's hard to survive off of them.

Boy/ Girl Guesses?

I honestly have no idea at this point! Tim keeps switching back and forth with what he tells me he thinks. I have gotten a couple of boy guesses, solely because Tim's family is filled with boys. His brother has two boys and his sister is currently pregnant with a boy and due in June. I did submit our ultrasound pictures on Facebook and two people guessed girl, so we shall see. 

Future Appointments

I have an appointment this Thursday to see my OBGYN but I don't know what more I'll find out. I did do NIPT blood work but with the crazy weather in Texas my blood got delayed in the mail and didn't make it to the lab in time. I just redid my blood draw on Thursday so I'm hoping I will hear on that soon because it should include the gender. We will find out for sure at our 20 week anatomy scan appointment, but we will have a good idea after the blood work.

Our situation is somewhat different because NIPT predicts the gender through blood work but because I am technically still carrying two babies (until baby B gets reabsorbed) if either baby is a boy the blood work will tell us that the baby is a boy, even if only one is/was. If it says girl that means that both babies are/were girls. I am not counting on knowing for sure and am not planning on sharing the gender until after the anatomy scan when we are 100% certain. 

Overall we are getting excited to start planning the nursery and knowing who our little baby is! I think that pretty much catches you up. I am planning on writing up a post about vanishing twin syndrome because it was something I had honestly thought wasn't as common as it is. I will keep updating you through the pregnancy, maybe on a month basis? I also am going to try to update the blog more often. I haven't shared so many things that are happening and definitely need to do so!

Have a great day everyone!

Life Lately: Busy Busy May!

There hasn't been much down time around here lately! We have been busy and filling our down time with lots of fun now that the weather isn't gross. We also are still checking items off our wedding to do list. I will be sharing list number two soon! People have been telling me lately not to get too stressed with the wedding and honestly other then worrying about money and how we will afford everything I don't feel stressed at all! We have just about five months until the wedding and I think we have a handle on everything. Just little things to do now :)

A couple of weeks ago I got the call that my wedding dress was in! I couldn't believe how fast it was- they told me it might not be in until August! My mom and I headed up there on a Saturday morning so I could try it on and then bring it home. 

It's now hanging in our second bedroom which I am referring to as "the wedding room" I will share pictures of what the room looks like after the wedding- there are just too many things in there that I don't want to share with the world until after the wedding. Also we have some gifts in there and you never know who is reading :)

Also during my dress appointment I picked out my hair piece and jewelry for the wedding. These will be shown at a later date as well :)

We've been getting Hello Fresh meals for the past few weeks and I have to tell you- they are delicious! I think it's totally worth the $60 we spend to get 6 meals. Every meal we've tried so far has been great and Tim is learning a ton of new recipes too.

I've been going to a lot of Tim's softball games and at a recent one I was able to hang out with my soon to be nephews as they played on the playground. They are such great kids!

On Saturday I got to hang out with all three of my flowers girls. This one won't even be a year old but she will be pulled in a wagon...fingers crossed!

I might be biased- but I think I have the cutest flower girls ever...

And the most amazing best friends!

Yesterday I spent mothers day with my mom, brother and other members of my moms side of the family. It was a really nice day and I always love hanging out with my mom!

I found two of these trays at HomeGoods yesterday afternoon which will hold our place cards. I am going to have sand dollars as our place card and they will be in here like a sand box. I think it will be really cute so I'm glad I found them!

What have you guys been up to lately?

Welcome to the world Parker Catherine

Brittni and Stephen welcomed their newest bundle of joy on Monday. Parker Catherine and I are middle name twins and I was so excited to meet her.

Such a sweet face!

Tim and I stayed the night on Brit's couch so I could be there to watch Emma and take her to meet her new sister!

This little sleepyhead was excited to go meet her new sister!

She gave Parker kisses and then side-eyed her a little bit. She was blissfully unaware that she is no longer an only child!

I had the chance to hold Parker too- she's so sweet!

Life is about to get crazy for this family!

Then I got to hang out with this love for the rest of the day and we had a blast! However, I was exhausted by the end of the day!

I'm so excited to have another little friend to love, cuddle and play with! <3

Life Lately

Only a couple of things to share with you guys in this Life Lately post!

The most exciting event was attending Brittni and Stephen's Gender Reveal! I went to Brittni's dad's house along with her family members  to find out what their second baby will be. Emma wasn't overly thrilled to be part of a photo shoot but it was a super cute event.

Brittni's sister Katie filled the box with black and white balloons to throw us all off, I thought they were dark blue at first!

Then came the pink ribbon so we knew it was a girl! Emma is going to have a little sister! <3

Emma didn't like being in the box either. She was super tired poor thing. 

I am so thrilled to be a part of this family's life and can't wait to meet the newest little girl!

Tim's sister got a kitten who I met the other day.....

Pip is adorable! She was a little scared of us at first but she made us want to get a kitten so badly!

We had a goodbye party for one of my co-workers at Whalers Brewery which was super fun. I didn't take any other pictures but we had a great time despite it being super hot in there!

Lastly, just a funny picture...

I found these in the grocery store and just thought it was funny since it was our names =)

That's all for today, enjoy your day!