Pregnancy Products- Must Haves and Passes

 Another Monday! How did we get here again? 

As of Friday I am 28 weeks pregnant and officially in my third trimester! Today I thought I would share the pregnancy products I have tried throughout my pregnancy and whether they are must haves or if I would have passed on them. 

The Snoogle: Must Have!

Up until maybe four weeks ago I would have said this was a pass. I honestly did not find the snoogle comfortable and couldn't find a way that it would work for me. Well, my belly grew and now I cannot sleep without it. I would definitely recommend a snoogle if you are pregnant and having trouble sleeping. I don't use it as pictured but kind of lay wrapped around it. I will caution you that it is quite crowded in our queen size bed right now, and hopefully someday we will have a king size bed but for now with the snoogle it does get quite crowded!

Nursing Bras- Must Have! (But the right one!)

I have bought four nursing bras so far and this pack of three from Amazon are the ones I currently am using and loving! I do hate that they have the removable padding in the cup so I am constantly having to fix them after they come out of the dryer, but they fit nicely and are very comfortable. 

I originally purchased this bra from Target and I absolutely hate it. It felt uncomfortable and too small even though I purchased what should have been the correct size. Maybe my sizing has changed too much during pregnancy and I should've purchased a larger size but I was not a fan. Also, the Amazon bras are much cheaper!

Burts Bees Mama Belly Butter- Okay To Pass

So this belly butter is nice enough, but I'm not sure it has made any difference. I prefer lotion that comes in better scents and this belly butter isn't anything special. I also read that stretch marks are genetic, so nothing can truly prevent them. I don't know that I would purchase this again in the future. I also have sample sizes of different belly butters but this tub is so large I'm not sure when I will get a chance to try them. If I do, I will let you know what I think.

Pregnancy Tops- It Depends!

I originally purchased these Isabel Maternity v-neck t-shirts in three different colors and although one is now stained I still wear the other two regularly. I find them to not be long enough and would prefer something a little longer, but I do think they work for the awkward second trimester when you are growing but aren't too big yet. 

I received this mama bunny t-shirt as a gift and have been wearing it quite a bit. It's not made like other maternity t-shirts but is stretchy and has been comfortable so far. 

I have purchased a few tank tops but haven't gotten the chance to wear them yet. I do think having tank tops during a summer pregnancy is crucial and I will be getting more use out of these over the next three months. 

Nausea Drops- Must Have!

My favorite nausea drops were these Munchkin ones that I purchased twice off of Amazon. They helped me tremendously during the first trimester. I did not like these ones by Pink Stork and ended up donating them. If you like peppermint though you might really like them, I just couldn't stomach them with my nausea. 

Stitch Fix- Must Have

Well maybe not a must have...but a nice to have! I love to order from Stitch Fix on a regular basis, but when I mentioned I was pregnant they sent me a ton of items that have been great! A cardigan, leggings, and a dress were my favorites but they have so many items I'm sure if I ordered another stitch I would get more great items. 

That's all I can think of at the moment, what are your pregnancy must haves?!

Vanishing Twin

 Todays post is extremely difficult for me to write. It might be the most difficult thing I've ever written in my life. 

When I shared our announcement I briefly mentioned that we had been pregnant with twins and unfortunately lost our sweet baby B. Today I want to go into more detail about this pregnancy and the experience we've had. I have never felt as alone as I have while going through this. If I can write this and help someone else going through this someday and help them feel less alone, that's what I'll do.

The week of Christmas we found out we were pregnant. We had been struggling with infertility for 18 months at that point.  We were skeptical at every positive pregnancy test. I remember telling Tim I was pretty sure I was pregnant and him telling me he wasn't going to get too excited just in case it wasn't true.

Once I had taken what seemed like a million pregnancy tests and we were sure that I actually had managed to get pregnant we started to get excited and I scheduled my first appointments.

I should also mention that the month we got pregnant was my first month on Clomid. We knew that a possibility with Clomid was the increased likelihood of twins. My papa is a fraternal twin and I knew that in my family it was possible that I could end up with twins naturally. I have always been obsessed with the idea of being a twin (I blame the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen era) and having twins seemed like a dream to me. Yes, a lot more work than just having one baby...but it was something I hoped for. 

Due to COVID, Tim wasn't allowed into my ultrasound. As I laid on the table I wished for a healthy baby, just one healthy baby but two would be great too. The ultrasound tech giggled and I knew in that instant that I had my twins. I blurted out "Is it twins?!!?" and she confirmed that yes there were two babies in there, each in their own sac. Baby A was measuring four days ahead of Baby B, but she assured me that was completely normal. She printed out the ultrasound pictures and I literally skipped out to the car where Tim was waiting for me.

Afterwards, Tim said he could just see that I was happy and he thought it was just the relief that we had one healthy baby. When I handed him the pictures I said "Please don't kill me" and laughed. I explained that it was twins and all my obsessing much have worked and I manifested twins. I would often in the following weeks refer to it as manifested and now I regret that. I think Tim was in a slight state of shock but he quickly became excited as well. Two babies!

The date of our first ultrasound was January 22nd. Being 8 weeks pregnant, not everyone knew about the pregnancy but we had told our parents, siblings, and best friends that we were expecting. Of course everyone was anxious to hear about our ultrasound so we told everyone that we were expecting twins. Everyone was thrilled and we expressed our nervousness for having not just one but two babies. We talked about it at length. We discussed needing a bigger house, adding an addition, the extra cost-- basically all monetary concerns but we were so excited to welcome these two little babies into our family.

Then I went to my 10 week appointment.

On Thursday February 4th I had my 10 week appointment with my OBGYN. She used the in-room doppler and could only find one heartbeat. I had the option of sitting around in the waiting room hoping for an ultrasound appointment to open up or going home and waiting for a call. I chose to go home and unfortunately was not given an appointment until the following Monday February 8th. 

Those four days were absolute hell. I just held my stomach and cried. I prayed that both babies would be healthy. I begged and pleaded saying I would give anything to have two healthy babies. No amount of hoping, praying or wishing would matter.

On Monday I laid on the table as not one, but two ultrasound techs looked at Baby B and couldn't find a heartbeat. Baby A was healthy and developing normally but Baby B had stopped growing a few days after my first ultrasound. If you've ever had a miscarriage I imagine this feeling is similar. You wonder how you didn't know that something was wrong. You feel like a failure as a mother for having no idea that your baby wasn't alive anymore. I tried to hold it in but I just laid on the table and sobbed and sobbed. I have never felt more pain in my life. 

Tim was thankfully outside in the car (they again wouldn't let him inside due to COVID). He knew the second he saw me and I just collapsed into him in tears. I couldn't have asked for a more amazing husband, best friend and partner in life. He just held me while I cried. 

The aftermath wasn't fun. I had to tell everyone we had told about the twins two weeks prior that now we were only having one baby. I cried as I told Baby A that I was so sorry I couldn't give them their sibling and I cried as I told Baby B how much I wished they had been okay. I blamed myself, I think everyone does. Most people were very supportive and just told me they were there for me whatever I needed. There were a few who made the "wrong" comments and said it was for the best and there must've been something wrong with Baby B. If you EVER know someone who is miscarrying a baby please never never never make a comment like this. It does not help, it does not make the mother feel better, it only makes you seem like an asshole.

Now, I've never had a singleton miscarriage so I can't say for sure but I do believe they feel different. From everything I've read from people who have had both a singleton miscarriage and vanishing twin the difference is that when the miscarriage happens, the pregnancy is over. You are able to move on, getting pregnant again, or not. You can mourn the baby you lost. I was expected to feel thankful for the one baby I still had inside me and almost forget about Baby B. The pregnancy never ends, their is no closure and that has been the hardest part so far. Not one day goes by that I don't think about Baby B and how I wish they were still growing. 

I was angry and sad and devastated. It was hard for me to celebrate being pregnant for awhile. It was hard for me to make the announcement. It was hard to hear congratulations from people when I didn't want to be congratulated. It seemed like people were forgetting that it was supposed to be two babies, not just one. I was SO angry. I listened to a lot of Taylor Swift. this is me trying and evermore were two songs I listened to on repeat. 

I still feel devastated about our loss. I often feel guilty and depressed. This pregnancy has been hard. 

If you don't know what happens with vanishing twin it's not like a traditional miscarriage, at least not in the first trimester. The second baby ends up getting reabsorbed back into the mom or other baby. Baby B will always be a part of me and Ellie. We will always carry her with us. 

Now we don't know for sure, but since the blood work determined that Ellie was a girl there is a good chance that Baby B was a girl as well. Tim and I both feel that she was a girl. We had names picked out if we had twin girls, Ellie and Olivia. We chose to name our surviving baby Ellie Olivia, but also know that Olivia would have been the name of her sister. We did this to honor her and also acknowledge that she is a part of our family and always will be.

Going forward I'm not sure what will happen. Will I feel like I'm missing a baby at the time of birth? Will I always feel that there is a presence missing in our family? Will I look at other twins and burst into tears because my girl should have a twin beside her as well? These are all things I read other vanishing twin moms experienced. I can't predict the future but I am an extremely sensitive person and know that this will always affect me. 

I have heard from other women who have experienced miscarriages saying that it will all make sense later when I have future kids I will see my family is the way it is supposed to be. I don't think this really works for vanishing twin though because she always would've been able to be here. It's not as if I lost a baby and then got pregnant with another one. They were able to coexist. Everyones experience is different, I'm not saying that one is more or less valid than the other, just that it's comparing apples to oranges. I don't think you can compare miscarriage to vanishing twin, they are just too different. 

If anyone out there is going through vanishing twin, please feel free to reach out to me. My email is on the right side of my homepage and you can also message me on Instagram @balancingonmytoes. I have felt horribly alone throughout this entire process and it's hard to talk to people who haven't experienced it or people who have gone through something different and feel it's the same. It's just not. Living with a pregnancy that causes you joy and pain simultaneously is extremely exhausting, just know you are not alone.

Again, please reach out if you need me and I hope this helps someone, somewhere. 

Additional Resources on Vanishing Twin

• https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-baby/strange-but-true-vanishing-twins_10364948
• https://www.parents.com/pregnancy/complications/miscarriage/vanishing-twin-syndrome-is-more-common-than-you-thought/
• https://www.yahoo.com/now/half-pregnancy-experience-vanishing-twin-105606611.html
• https://www.scarymommy.com/vanishing-twin-miscarriage/
• https://fargo.momcollective.com/why-isnt-a-healthy-baby-enough-coping-with-vanishing-twin-syndrome/
• https://www.today.com/parents/when-joy-lives-alongside-grief-losing-twin-during-pregnancy-t13946

Many of these articles helped me when I first found out. There weren't many people who wrote about this experience but knowing that there were a few people who felt the same things as me gave me hope and I hope it does the same for you.

First Trimester of Pregnancy

 Woohoo! I am officially out of the first trimester and have all my energy back and feel great!

Totally kidding.

I am out of the first trimester and have the tiniest bit of energy back, but I'm still exhausted 98% of the time. Still going to be around 8 every night and spending most of my days lounging around. I am so grateful to be working from home during this time. 

Today I want to share a bit about my first trimester of pregnancy because this has been totally different than I imagined as someone struggling with infertility. Let's start from the beginning...

December 21st- December 24th...

On December 21st I took a pregnancy test because I had been taking Clomid during December and thought we had a good chance of getting pregnant. I only had the cheapo Amazon tests in the house so I took one and had the tiniest, faintest line. When Tim woke up I told him that I thought I might be pregnant, but I wasn't entirely sure. He told me he wasn't going to get too excited yet because the line was so faint. Over the next few days I bought some more substantial tests and the lines kept getting darker and darker.

I finally believed it when I took a Clearblue test and it clearly read "pregnant"

My moral support while waiting for the tests to complete.

I received a call from my doctors office letting me know that my levels looked great as far as clomid was concerned and I excitedly told them I was pregnant. They told me they would call back to schedule all my appointments.

We can't keep a secret...so on Christmas Eve told my parents when we stopped by their house in the afternoon. We told a few of Tim's family members on Christmas Eve and then managed to get his parents together to tell them on Christmas Day. We also told a few friends on Christmas Day as well.

In January I got to go for my first ultrasound!

Due to Covid I had to go in by myself and Tim wasn't able to come inside with me. I was thrilled when the ultrasound tech told me we were having twins. I skipped out to the car and told a completely shocked Tim. 

We were over the moon about having two babies. For two weeks I planned and hoped for my two babies to stay healthy. I wanted them both.

We unfortunately lost baby B which was very traumatic. I went in for my first OBGYN appointment and my doctor tried the in-room doppler to find the heartbeats and couldn't find baby B. This was on a Thursday and I unfortunately had to wait until the following Monday to get another ultrasound. The ultrasound tech tried abdominally and couldn't find a heartbeat. She then tried transvaginally and still couldn't find a heartbeat. Then a second tech came in to confirm. That appointment was so emotionally trying. I am tearing up thinking about it now. I broke down sobbing, Luckily Tim was waiting in the car for me but I still wish he had been in the appointment with me. 

I have more to say about vanishing twin but I will save that for a separate post. It is so difficult to grieve one baby and still be happy for the healthy one. 

At that appointment they did take pictures of baby A for me and did offer to take a picture of baby B but I declined that. I know that baby B had stopped growing around 7 weeks and didn't want to see the difference between my babies forever.

A couple of weeks ago I had another ultrasound for nuchal translucency. It was difficult to go back into the ultrasound suite (luckily it was a different room than my previous one), but watching baby A bounce around inside of me, wave at me, and kick their little legs gave me so much hope. I couldn't believe how much my little baby was moving and although I wish with all my heart I could've seen two little babies in there, my heart was happy to see my healthy little nugget.

I am officially 13 weeks pregnant as of last Friday and am due September 3rd. 

So besides the technical stuff, what has this pregnancy been like?

Symptoms: 

• Severe exhaustion. Literally I'm in bed by 8PM every night and am pretty much a sloth during the day. 
• Nausea. I haven't thrown up, but I think that's only from sheer force of will. Luckily the nausea has eased a bit, but at points I was feeling nauseous all day long.
• Aversions to meat and many other foods. I honestly couldn't stand the smell, sight or taste of meat- any meat. I was able to eat steak tips on Saturday night which was an improvement. I also didn't want any vegetables but I was able to eat a salad on Saturday as well, so things are definitely looking up.
• Beige foods. All things beige- mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, cereal, muffins, teddy grahams, ritz crackers, pretzels. Everything needed to be starchy and very plain in order for me to eat it. While I love all those types of foods it's hard to survive off of them.

Boy/ Girl Guesses?

I honestly have no idea at this point! Tim keeps switching back and forth with what he tells me he thinks. I have gotten a couple of boy guesses, solely because Tim's family is filled with boys. His brother has two boys and his sister is currently pregnant with a boy and due in June. I did submit our ultrasound pictures on Facebook and two people guessed girl, so we shall see. 

Future Appointments

I have an appointment this Thursday to see my OBGYN but I don't know what more I'll find out. I did do NIPT blood work but with the crazy weather in Texas my blood got delayed in the mail and didn't make it to the lab in time. I just redid my blood draw on Thursday so I'm hoping I will hear on that soon because it should include the gender. We will find out for sure at our 20 week anatomy scan appointment, but we will have a good idea after the blood work.

Our situation is somewhat different because NIPT predicts the gender through blood work but because I am technically still carrying two babies (until baby B gets reabsorbed) if either baby is a boy the blood work will tell us that the baby is a boy, even if only one is/was. If it says girl that means that both babies are/were girls. I am not counting on knowing for sure and am not planning on sharing the gender until after the anatomy scan when we are 100% certain. 

Overall we are getting excited to start planning the nursery and knowing who our little baby is! I think that pretty much catches you up. I am planning on writing up a post about vanishing twin syndrome because it was something I had honestly thought wasn't as common as it is. I will keep updating you through the pregnancy, maybe on a month basis? I also am going to try to update the blog more often. I haven't shared so many things that are happening and definitely need to do so!

Have a great day everyone!

Baby Gooding

 

Well now you know why I've been radio silent around here.... Baby Gooding is scheduled to arrive September 3rd!

I am the worst at keeping secrets, so it was easier to stay away from the blog. Also, I've felt awful and exhausted 98% of these first few months so I honestly haven't done anything. 

This pregnancy hasn't been the easiest and I will share more on that in the future, but the short version is- today we should've been announcing twins. If you've never heard of vanishing twin syndrome I'll be writing more about that soon. For now we are focusing on the next six months ahead, and the little human we will be welcoming in September.

Oh, and our first baby who doesn't look thrilled by our announcement....